Photo by Heather Plett

 

Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project. ~Anne Grant

Today as you read this post I am driving my  youngest daughter off to college. I will leave her  as she begins an exciting new phase of her life.

It also means that I get to begin one as well. A new phase … a new adventure.

I am not afraid of change.

I have a super high tolerance for it actually. I am one of the freaky people that when things are going along swimmingly I like to blow things up mainly because I like the excitement….mainly because I like to push myself and because I have always known that there is something else…something big and magical just out of my reach.

That is why I am struggling with this transition. I am feeling confused in a way that I  have never ever felt before. Not when I divorced after 10 years of marriage, not when I became the primary care giver for 2 small girls, not even when started my own business.

I am excited about who my daughter will become. The changes that will occur for her over the next 6 months are some of the biggest  and most profound that we as humans go through—- first semester freshman year-  God help us. I like to refer to it as the crucible.

She gets to design her life. Shed that which no longer serves her  and expand her worldview.  But its hell figuring all that out in between the studying, partying , successes and hard life lessons.

But back to me….

The Key

I feel like someone has given me a key to my voice and I did not know that my voice was locked away. I thought for years that I felt my power…. but now I know that was a lie.

I thought I was being heard and seen but I do not think I really was. I have been a great mom for the past 20+ years. I am not ashamed to say it.  I have raised two phenomenal women. Truly phenomenal.

They bring me joy everyday..even the difficult ones. They are smart, kind and capable and brave.

Yet, I have been in neutral. I know I have been in neutral and  for the first time in a long time I feel a shift.  A powerful life changing-no going back- holy cow-shift. Things that were blocked are opening.  For the most part I am OK that I have been in neutral because they were my first priority. It was the way it needed to happen. For so many years I confused selfish with self care….self centered with soul centered.

 I was wrong.

Today I feel weak I feel vulnerable and exposed as i think of my 2 plus hour drive back home tonight. No kids to drive around –no dinners to cook. Just me and my needs. MY needs.

Last month I sold or gave away 90% of my stuff. No kids, no stuff…..just me.

Me and that voice that has been locked away.

I am confused because for the first time ever in my life I feel power pumping through me…actually feel it and I am not afraid of it. I am not ashamed of it and I know that I can do anything with it.

My power is beyond measure.

So I am embarking on this journey to build a new community and push boundaries….to explore options and unlock my voice….to know and understand myself.

To name myself.

This is a transition of epic proportion.

Let’s go get’em